Fresh from the lind-e-list

[unbibium]

9. Swing Etiquette tip #84
When someone asks you to dance, your response should nearly always be, "yes, thank you, I'd love to." It is never acceptable to say no because you don't think this partner is good enough for you, or because you are hoping someone "better" asks you. It is never acceptable to say "no" to one person and then "yes" to another, "better" dancer on the same dance. Few experiences are more demoralizing to the rejected partner, and your three minutes of fun are not worth ruining someone else's entire evening.

I haven't seen this to be a big problem, myself, and I imagine the women on the mailing list resent the idea that they're not allowed to reject anyone for any reason, or have any control over their situation. Just to let you know, you won't hurt anyone's feelings if you sit out a few songs, or if you've promised the next dance to someone else. One cannot argue with the primal economic forces of supply and demand.

It also supports the idea that the year I spent swing dancing was more of a triumph over my own shyness than a source of validation from gurls. It shouldn't matter now, as I've transcended such baby steps at this point.

Comments

In contras,

[vardissakheli.livejournal.com]

except at really huge dances like at NEFFA or the Brattleboro Dawn Dances where you have to plan ahead to get to see someone at all, it's generally considered bad form to promise more than one dance ahead, since each dance is so long. Of course, it's also generally accepted form for women to ask men to dance just as often as men ask women, so really the only time women get any pressure to accept invitations is when they're deciding to sit one out.

This is one social weirdness of contradancing that has always stuck out to me: There are almost always a few women who choose to sit out each dance, and usually almost no men who do. This means the ideal mix to keep people dancing as much as they want is to have a few more women than men--making women just as much a commodity as at the meatmarkets they're avoiding by hanging out with the folkies in the first place. Sometimes there are a couple men who feel free to ask other men to dance, evening things out some, and I'm plenty happy to dance with them, but asking takes a kind of social confidence I'm not sure I even want to have.

Which is a big part of why I've made it to about one dance a year lately. Since my wife doesn't enjoy set dances at all (unsteady feet, and issues with touching so many people at once), I have to get over feeling like an extra-big jerk showing up as a man alone

Re: In contras,

[pentomino.livejournal.com]

I was talking swing dancing and not contradancing.

Never been to one of those, I'm afraid.

Re: In contras,

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Possible solutions.

Some bars in New York are 'no flirting with each other' bars so people can enjoy drinks without having to worry about being slobbered over

Might help in like 'At least if he starts being a jerk flirt I can have him yelled at by the management and or thrown out'