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unbibium: (animated pacman)
I was watching @midnight from Monday and they showed bits of that Red Cup Guy video I was already sick of and HOLY SHIT he brought a GUN as part of his little performance art piece?

I suppose I should be desensitized, with those open-carry people showing up after shootings, Oath Keepers showing up after riots, and way back in 2009 when the President of the United States couldn't hold a simple town hall meeting about health care, without people showing up with AR-15s. I shouldn't even know what an AR-15 is, dammit.

It seems like they want to remind us non-conservatives that we're a hair's breadth away from Kristallnacht, and they're only waiting on Ted Nugent to give the word.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
Some Comicon-like event was going on but the MST3K cast were displaced to some large hotel building. And that building's elevators were going on a murder spree somehow

later, I was trying to tie my skates and it took so long the skate was over.

unbibium: (animated pacman)
So, there are a scant few events that get people to watch broadcast TV in the numbers they used to. The last one I remember tuning into myself was the Peanuts Halloween Special, which was followed up by another Peanuts special to fill up the hour. And after events like that, and the Super Bowl, naturally they're going to showcase some original programming. Except..... all original programming is heavy post-9/11 bleak cynicism. The show that followed Peanuts was a carefully broadcast-edited scene that cold-opened a show called "Scandal," naturally about corruption in the federal government. The show that followed the Super Bowl is about secret prisons and torture and supervillains and spies and also torture.

It made me think about how that sex scene that played over the squashed credits of the Peanuts special, was explicit enough to probably raise uncomfortable questions from children, but zoomed-in and implicit enough that teenagers wouldn't be sexually aroused by it. And how post-9/11 spy stuff always, always, always feeds the "Torture Totally Works, Guys" assumption that Jack Bauer popularized so that we could get all that non-information out of those Gitmo detainees.

It's giving me serious don't-want-to-live-on-this-planet feelings.

my reaction to this stuff... is that one of the things that's been wrong with me? Am I supposed to be feeling some sense of satisfaction? I sat through the whole episode. There was more torture, a bunch of different spy agencies betraying each other, a code-named chunk of information that's worth more than human lives, and a cliffhanger that took the form of an explosion. Is this what normal entertainment is? If I made myself learn to like it, would people relate to me better?

after that is news coverage of all the crowds of people just milling around on the OUTSIDE of sports bars at Westgate. These are the people who clogged up traffic on the 101. And of course they're talking about post-9/11 security too. Naturally the Seahawks fans who missed the first quarter because of a small bag attributed it to security, and not the stadium's unassailable right to make money on food. again, is this what normal people do? Go into traffic and stand outside a bar 50 feet away from a flat-screen TV for six hours? Is this the society I'm trying to integrate myself into?

NBC thursday is the next episode of that spy thing, followed by the premiere episode of another spy thing, this one with Russians. because everything is betrayal. No wonder it's impossible to keep friends, this is what people are being trained to be like.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
last night's dream: for some reason I was in jail with Penn & Teller. Except not really jail, just a place I wasn't allowed to leave and I didn't know why anyone was there, and there were families there and everything. I didn't make the connection until just now that I had watched the documentary "To Be Takei" the previous night, where George Takei detailed his story of growing up in an internment camp during World War 2.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
another night with back-at-work dreams.

this time i arrive to find out my desk has moved and a woman I used to like was sitting there... and I knew she would immediately ask to be reassigned, and all I could do was admit I didn't know what to do...

in these dreams I always know
unbibium: (animated pacman)
unbibium: (animated pacman)
this job search process is hopeful but tiresome. I get lots of recruiters calling, and a steady stream of phone interviews... it's wearing me down, especially when it reveals gaps in my knowledge.... I know a little about Spring beans but not what they're for. I used Tomcat at my last job but I don't know why. I went home and looked it up online and it looked like word salad.
unbibium: (Default)
i interviewed at the 3300 tower today. It was like a proper grown-up office-type place.

My confidence is kind of eroding here... I have an interview on Wednesday for a position at ASU, but judging from all the preparation they want from me, I think I might be underqualified.

maybe i should find some more junior positions...
unbibium: (animated pacman)
what if I'm just done and there's nothing left to do?

that's what it feels like
unbibium: (animated pacman)
new year's eve was pretty good. people were mostly good, but I recognized someone I hadn't seen in years who refused to remind me of her name, and the music was a bit loud. but I got home ok thanks to lyft and the light rail.

I still haven't really processed the loss of my bike. I really have only myself to blame for leaving it outside. I should have bought a garage door opener a long time ago so I wouldn't do that. and I'll have to buy one before I buy a new bike.

i'm having a hard time convincing myself that my life isn't in the midst of a complete catastrophic failure. with the loss of that bike and the $50 on the same day essentially, and of course various broken electronics I'll have to just throw away now... the prospect of having to pull money out of my 401(k) to stay afloat for a while... my inability to keep things straight in my house.

I spent the last half hour bouncing from room to room looking for better places to keep the various cluttery items I have floating around.... I could have sworn I had a small box dedicated to USB cables exclusively. I think I found it and it's full of very old USB 1.0 cables, not the MicroUSB and MiniUSB ones I need the most now... and other stuff made it into that box.

i let the robot vacuum do its job.

the cats... i bought them grain-free food like the vet said. but I didn't mix it into their existing food like everyone else said. and they hate it. so I've been dumping cannedfood over it. from the 7-eleven. $1 a can. bought more on amazon.com...

it's so hard to make myself do things. i'm still not sure i'll ever get better.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
well, I forgot to take my bike into the garage and it's gone now

or did I not forget and they got into my garage?

also I still haven't found that $50.

i'm terrible at life
unbibium: (animated pacman)
I found that $50 and put it in my wallet right away. Then at some point I noticed my wallet's magnetic money clip had flown open when I was moving it around, and the $50 isn't there anymore. maybe the cat has buried it by now or something.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
Coming to the arts district in central Phoenix is like a miniature vacation to Seattle. There's a little coffee place I always go to, and they're in the middle of widening the sidewalks, and I run into old friends sometimes. I feel human again when I'm down here.

That doesn't mean I'm completely immune to cognitive black holes when I'm down here. Normally I use the change of setting to get bits of actual work done. Today I have an internal distraction that I need to clear up first...
unbibium: (Default)
My grandparents gave me a $50 bill. It should have gone right in my wallet, but I left it at my house. And I know I saw it this morning.

nuts. I really need it this time.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
Christmas was OK but I hid in one of the unused bedrooms most of the day while the four-year-old ran around the house screaming about random things, and my mother worked herself into a frustrated frenzy by making way too much food for a relatively small number of people.

now it's over and it's back to searching for a job and, if I know what's good for me, getting at least a cursory understanding of Android programming.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
i haven't photographed my cats because my house looks terrible.

i don't love my cats. but people on facebook know I have them. so if I send them to the pound, they'll all think I'm a monster.

i also broke my mac's keyboard with an attempt to clean water-flavoring syrup off of it.

also i have doubts about everything i've ever done.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
This morning I went to Songbird in downtown Phoenix again. I filled out my unemployment form for the week and went through a few chapters of a node.js book.

I was expecting to see Elizabeth there and have I've her homemade waffles but neither were there, so I just had tea.

There was a young woman there at my table who I didn't talk to, and that was kind of the right call because she was waiting for her family. I overheard she was 20 and studying in Seattle abd talked about Battlestar Galactica but got character names wrong.

Another woman came by and ordered the same kind if tea I did and sat at my table. I remarked that she got the same tea as I did, abd was using the same laptop. We made a little small talk. It was refreshing.

then I went to Short Leash having chicken and waffles. I made some more small talk with an elderly couple. I wrote most of this down after my food arrived, so I wouldn't forget I had a good morning.

unfortunately this all cost money. Not a lot of money, but more than I'd have spent if I'd just stayed home. But the isolation was getting to be too much, especially with all the noise in the neighborhood last night.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
I think I mismanaged yesterday. If I had checked FB and Twitter at the appropriate time, I could have met up with people I knew nearby. I also could have made my way to my family's house to bake cookies, or maybe gotten a ride to a friend's family's cookie day...

People at my old workplace are now going on winter break. I caught word on Facebook that two of them are working on a game together. Because that's what you do when you're not depressed: you have ideas for things to do and then you do them. There's no looming sense of inadequacy or unwelcomeness.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
did a lot of dreaming. Did a lot of thinking while dreaming.

In fact, I pondered the nature of consciousness while I was unconscious.

I grieved for lost friends. So many lost friends.


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April 2017



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