unbibium

so I flew to Buffalo, NY two days ago with my parents.

it's strange, I feel like I have no self... that's a state that's easy to get into when you're with your parents, and haven't done any of the trip planning yourself. On top of that I have a mild sore throat that makes me a little reluctant to speak aloud, though it hasn't actually interfered with eating.

The voice mails from recruiters are starting to pile up. I'll have a lot of phone calls to make when I get back into town, or perhaps even Monday from my hotel room.

Today I saw the house my great grandfather built; it's an impressive feat of homebuilding, and contains a few innovations that were about 20 years ahead of their time. It's still not only standing, but well kept; in my brief time I didn't see a single plank askew, a warped door frame, or any sign of deterioration. Much of this is due to the house's new owner, who added some rooms, and even took up gardening after the house was bought.

I also met my great aunt Mary for the first time in 22 years. She's 85 and never married as far as I know. She lives alone in the lower level of a duplex. The upper level was where we stayed as visitors 22 years ago, and where another family lived when I visited 30 years ago. Today it's empty, she's too old to climb the stairs, though she still gets around town.

It largely served to remind me how I've neglected my own house, and my own life.

and, of course, I just woke from an afternoon nap that literally spelled out in words my fear in finding a new job: what if I'm not actually good enough, and the place I left was the only place I could have fit in?

There's one hidden reason I haven't left Phoenix yet.

It's not just that I'd miss my family when I was away, but it's that I'd be silently obligated to plan vacations to go back home, instead of to new places.

I couldn't stay with my immediate family unless I wanted them around the entire time, because my parents and my brother both live way our in the exurbs of the West Valley where the buses don't run, or take two hours to get into town.

I couldn't stay with my extended family; my maternal grandfather lives with my control-freak uncle whom I couldn't take for more than a day or two. He's the uncle that I think about whenever I'm tempted to give up on work and move back in with my parents and stagnate; I would become him if I did that. And my paternal grandparents watch Fox News 24 hours a day, which is just as deep a pit of negativity.

I still have friends in town, but I'd hate to presume on crashing with them.

If I were to leave Phoenix, I'd have to be very comfortable with the idea of not looking back.

I bought a memorial poppy pin at the newsstand today. Apparently it's a tradition, but I hadn't learned of it until this year. Is it because I'm in Canada, or because I've been watching BBC World News so much in my hotel room?

First, I saw the aquarium. The frog exhibit was amazing, and had this slow-motion video of frogs striking their prey, and you could control the playback with this little dial. Lots of PWN3D moments. No penguins, though, and I couldn't find the turtles in the rain forest. And, as usual, absolutely no mention of the extinct furry old lobsters of the northeast. But I did learn, and promptly forget, the names of a couple of categories of amphibian that I never knew existed. One's snake-or-eel-like, and another is apparently an alligator-like thing that people mistakenly buy as pets when they're young.

The seaplane was cancelled, but I had a good long walk through some rainy autumn woods, capped off by an expensive dinner at a seafood restaurant.

There were three women at the next table celebrating one of their birthdays. I didn't realize until they all left that, whoa, it's my birthday too.

Thanks for the wall wishes, Facebook Army. I return home tomorrow evening.

I'm in CANADA!

Not so cold here.

I'll be doing most of my updates on twitter: http://twitter.com/pentomino -- though only my parents would really ever care to follow that closely. But tweeting helps me build an accurate record later on, when I'm wondering what all the pictures are of.

Not taking the laptop.

And, strictly speaking, I should leave the books behind with full knowledge I won't read them, when I have new books on my iPod. But that Japanese puzzle book begs to be takwn to a coffee shop and solved.

I'm going to Vancouver, largely thanks to atillathehung's suggestion and specific hotel recommendation. I'm going for 3 nights, leaving the 9th, coming back the 12th. I don't know anyone in town, but there's plenty to do there anyway.

I have all of tomorrow to pack, which I will do while unpacking all my winter clothes from the SpaceBags™.

I don't really want to go anywhere.

But I'm afraid if I stay in town, I'll be bored, and just lay about the apartment all day.

Also, there is pressure to be doing something on my birthday, though at the same time I don't really want to invade anyone else's schedule.

And, I have memories of being a little happier when I traveled, but I don't know why.

So I'd like to spend the week of my birthday (November 11) in Seattle.

I used to have a big Kibological following there, and some college buddies. Of these, I think only sunburn remains. I've lost touch with Lleah (a Kibologist) and Ellery (a college buddy). And w_b_yeats moved away I think.

I selected it because it's on the west coast, so fuel prices won't make traveling there all that expensive. But lodging for that long might cost more money than I want to burn, and I'm a bit tired of hostels. Think a bed and breakfast might be better?

I know I said I wanted to save up money... but, probably more important is to keep my sanity.

Therefore, I'd like to spend my 31st birthday away from Phoenix.

I'm thinking Seattle again. It's been three years.

So, Sunday morning breakfast happened at the same location as the banquet. The conference admission price sure includes a lot of meals. The day would see me confronting three failed crushes.

So, I go downstairs, I pass Catholic girl in the hallway, and we basically wave and pass each other going opposite directions. I sit at a random table. They announce the next conference will be in Washington DC.

I know a lot of people are staying an extra day, and I try to arrange some hanging out, but I don't really have a lot of power left in the brain, so I do the same pacing around... I run into another woman, who is also there, never more than a few feet from her parents, who was my 2004 crush but more like a sister to me now. She was going to the Star Trek thing at the Hilton, which I also wanted to do. The timing didn't work out, because the second to last time I checked the ballroom, there was one table, and all the principal characters were sitting at it. Catholic girl, the photographer, the genetics doctor, all there. And there were a handful other people there discussing something gravely imporatnt. Even though my crush has gone away, my IQ points have not recovered, so I sit down and see what's going on.

I posted about this earlier. In America, albinos and their families face problems like apathetic teachers, unknowledgeable doctors, getting stared at on the bus, that kind of thing. In Tanzania, albinos and their families face problems like being unable to find sunscreen in Africa, there being only one hospital in a country of 39 million equipped to treat skin cancer, and oh yeah, albinos are being killed because our body parts are said to have magical properties. Major bum-out, and my contributions to the discussion generally cause the photographer to tell me that I'm getting off-topic. He's ultimately right, but I found it odd that he was the one interrupting me. And he, of course, is well-connected enough that he knows the cause as well as the Tanzanian representatives at the table, and who we can count on as resources, and so forth. Again, I should have left much earlier.

The Star Trek girl called me in the middle of this, and I elected not to leave the table. This decision was incorrect, as I gave up and left the table soon after, at the same time as the doctor. We commisserated about how frustrating the situation is. And then I doubled back, and the photographer was leaving. Something possessed me to ask him whether Catholic girl was still in there, he said yes, and I went in, and there was nothing but hotel staff clearing off tables. That struck me odd. But, it was enough of a confidence hit that I was bummed the rest of the day, and left me a little more suspicious of that guy.

I get to the Star Trek thing, can't find Star Trek girl, though I run into some other people from the conference. They take a picture of me next to the white-haired salt sucker creature from TOS. And I eat at Quark's and browse the stores. Star Trek girl eventually emerges from the rides, and we browse the merchandise together, and she doesn't say a lot. I hem and haw and decide, for the second year in a row, not to spend $50 for a 20-minute ride. Not necessarily because I can't afford it, but, to be honest, in my old age I'm starting to find Star Trek a little cheesy.

So I leave the Trek area, and go to the blackjack table, and win $125. I take a bus to Paris, where I go get some crepes, and lose $75. But I find I'm having a lot of fun at the blackjack tables, even when I lose. Complete strangers, all with a common goal, and even the dealer is happy for us when we win. Somehow I felt more like part of a community there, than I have in months. Charismatic dealers help. I may devote a whole post to that. The important thing was that I'd memorized the basic strategy table, and thus I didn't really have to make my own decisions, apart from how to bet and when to leave the table.

Then I saw the Penn & Teller show, as described in a previous post. If I'd gone to bed, or even to the airport, immediately after seeing them, then the vacation would have had Good Finish.

But then, I go back to my main hotel, and encounter all the conference stragglers... including, the trio of British girls, one of which was my 2006 crush. And they're all hanging around with, guess who, the photographer. By this point, it's too late to attempt to re-charm my 2006 crush, so I clumsily ask her for her email address, she clumsily tries to invent an excuse, I say "you don't really want to give it" and she says "yeah" and I go back to my room and fail to fall asleep.

So I started Saturday as a relatively healthy, independent human being, and ended Sunday as a lost puppy dog looking for a master.