(no subject)

there's a tiny fascist living in my brain. he thinks I don't deserve to live because I'm not useful enough to make up for how handicapped I am, if my computer skills don't match up to the endless fountain of cheap college graduates. he constantly reminds me how much I've failed to live up to life's challenges, how a worthy person would have found a wife by now, would be earning six figures, would be using this quarantine to study and work out and improve himself... and not stay in bed this much...

there's a tiny liberal living in my brain. but he also thinks I don't deserve to live, because being raised as a white man in America, everything I consume is built on racism or slavery or theft, and my very existence funds the system of white supremacy. he constantly reminds me how i haven't gotten the courage to actually do something to fight the system, that a worthy person would gladly risk his freedom and property and health, and not succumb to social anxiety...

the only thing keeping me alive is the tiny socialist living in my brain, who accepts me unconditionally if I can be arsed to listen to him. he understands that the hardships going on in the world are not my fault, but the result of a cruel system designed to make us compete instead of cooperate, to coerce kind people into supporting cruelty, to make us feel helpless against their might... and he understands my reluctance to ask for help, because most of the people I reach out to are, well, on the side of the other two guys...