I have three favorite jokes right now, and you already know the one about the pirate, so rather than pick the best I'll just tell you both of the remaining ones.
Joke #1:
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to set up ten shots of tequila for me." The bartender starts setting them up, and before he even gets to the end of the line the guy starts downing them one after another. "Woah," says the bartender. "You'd better slow down -- you could do yourself some real damage that way." The guy grimaces and says, "Let me tell you, if you had what I have, you'd be doing the exact same thing I am." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "If you don't mind me asking, what do you have?" "A dollar."
Joke #2 (the dirty joke):
A guy goes to his doctor for a prostate exam. The doctor checks him out, and, after the exam, he says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news." The guy asks, "What's the good news?" "I see no sign of cancer or any other disease -- I can pretty much give you a clean bill of health," says the doctor. "So then what's the bad news?" asks the guy, puzzled. "You have to stop masturbating," the doctor replies. "What? Why?" asks the guy. "It's kind of making me uncomfortable," says the doctor.
A young man is given advice by the marriage broker about starting a conversation with the girl to whom he is about to be introduced. "Talk about relatives to show you're interested in family, about food to show you enjoy life, and about philosophy to show you're smart." Boy begins nervously: "Hello, do you have a brother?" Girl: "No." Boy sees that line of conversation is exhausted and moves on to the next subject: "Do you like noodles?" Girl: "No." Boy casts around and moves on to the next topic: "If you had a brother, would he like noodles?"
These are my all-time favorites at the moment... first a joke to warm you up, then a riddle to make you hot, and then another joke to finish you off:
A Catholic priest, a Presbyterian minister, a Jewish rabbi, and a Buddhist arhat walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
************************************
Q: What do you call an Arab flying an airplane?
A: A pilot, ya fuckin' racist.
************************************
A married couple are at a nice restaurant enjoying dinner when an attractive young woman approaches their table, greets the husband very warmly, kisses him on the cheek, chats with him for a moment (totally ignoring the wife) then excuses herself and leaves.
"Who was THAT?" demands the wife.
"That was my mistress," replies the husband nonchalantly.
The wife gasps and sputters in fury for a moment, then gets hold of herself and hisses icily "I want a divorce."
The husband, still perfectly serene, puts his knife and fork down and gives her a nice smile. "That's fine, dear," he replies. "If you really want a divorce, I certainly won't stand in your way. I'll even pay the necessary legal fees. However, you might want to keep in mind that you signed a pre-nuptial agreement before we got married, so you won't be taking anything out of this relationship that you didn't bring into it. You want a divorce? No problem! But say goodbye to your Mercedes, your credit cards, your furs, your jewelry, the lovely house we live in... actually, maybe you'd better just think about it for now, and tell me what you decide later." And with that he goes on calmly eating his dinner.
The wife goggles at him in silent fury for a long moment. Her mouth opens as though she is about to say something but then closes again, and finally she picks up her silverware and meekly continues eating as well.
After dinner, as they are having their coffee, the wife indicates a couple who have just entered the restaurant. "Isn't that your friend Howard?" she asks her husband. "Yes, that's Howard alright," he answers. "Who is that with him?" asks the wife. "That's Howard's mistress," says the husband.
The wife takes a good long look, then leans across the table to her husband and whispers conspiratorially "Ours is much prettier."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2008-07-22 07:06 pm (UTC)Joke #1:
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to set up ten shots of tequila for me." The bartender starts setting them up, and before he even gets to the end of the line the guy starts downing them one after another. "Woah," says the bartender. "You'd better slow down -- you could do yourself some real damage that way." The guy grimaces and says, "Let me tell you, if you had what I have, you'd be doing the exact same thing I am." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "If you don't mind me asking, what do you have?" "A dollar."
Joke #2 (the dirty joke):
A guy goes to his doctor for a prostate exam. The doctor checks him out, and, after the exam, he says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news." The guy asks, "What's the good news?" "I see no sign of cancer or any other disease -- I can pretty much give you a clean bill of health," says the doctor. "So then what's the bad news?" asks the guy, puzzled. "You have to stop masturbating," the doctor replies. "What? Why?" asks the guy. "It's kind of making me uncomfortable," says the doctor.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-22 07:23 pm (UTC)Grandson : dady dady can you burp like a frog? Please.....
Granddad: sure but why Grandson?
Grandson : after a much pleading. "Because Grandma says that when you croke we are going to disnyland."
no subject
Date: 2008-07-22 10:02 pm (UTC)Vel-crows.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-23 01:43 am (UTC)You would've thought the second one would have seen it coming.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-23 01:19 pm (UTC)What is the national language of Turkey?
FOWL LANGUAGE.
all week &c.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-23 01:46 pm (UTC)"Talk about relatives to show you're interested in family, about food to show you enjoy life, and about philosophy to show you're smart."
Boy begins nervously: "Hello, do you have a brother?"
Girl: "No."
Boy sees that line of conversation is exhausted and moves on to the next subject: "Do you like noodles?"
Girl: "No."
Boy casts around and moves on to the next topic: "If you had a brother, would he like noodles?"
no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 10:43 pm (UTC)A Catholic priest, a Presbyterian minister, a Jewish rabbi, and a Buddhist arhat walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
************************************
Q: What do you call an Arab flying an airplane?
A: A pilot, ya fuckin' racist.
************************************
A married couple are at a nice restaurant enjoying dinner when an attractive young woman approaches their table, greets the husband very warmly, kisses him on the cheek, chats with him for a moment (totally ignoring the wife) then excuses herself and leaves.
"Who was THAT?" demands the wife.
"That was my mistress," replies the husband nonchalantly.
The wife gasps and sputters in fury for a moment, then gets hold of herself and hisses icily "I want a divorce."
The husband, still perfectly serene, puts his knife and fork down and gives her a nice smile. "That's fine, dear," he replies. "If you really want a divorce, I certainly won't stand in your way. I'll even pay the necessary legal fees. However, you might want to keep in mind that you signed a pre-nuptial agreement before we got married, so you won't be taking anything out of this relationship that you didn't bring into it. You want a divorce? No problem! But say goodbye to your Mercedes, your credit cards, your furs, your jewelry, the lovely house we live in... actually, maybe you'd better just think about it for now, and tell me what you decide later." And with that he goes on calmly eating his dinner.
The wife goggles at him in silent fury for a long moment. Her mouth opens as though she is about to say something but then closes again, and finally she picks up her silverware and meekly continues eating as well.
After dinner, as they are having their coffee, the wife indicates a couple who have just entered the restaurant. "Isn't that your friend Howard?" she asks her husband. "Yes, that's Howard alright," he answers. "Who is that with him?" asks the wife. "That's Howard's mistress," says the husband.
The wife takes a good long look, then leans across the table to her husband and whispers conspiratorially "Ours is much prettier."