REVISED POLL

[unbibium]

OK, I meant to get rid of that "Negotiate on a case-by-case basis" because I knew that would be a cop-out, and certainly if someone decides to state their terms, that can take precedence over habit.

But, suppose it doesn't come up in conversation. Certainly you won't ask whether you're allowed to see anyone else after the first date, at the very least. I'm trying to get a feel for what you think the social norm is, in your own social circles.

Don't be shy; results are viewable only to me; your girlfriend or wife won't find out if you saw someone else between your first and second dates.

[Poll #1025209]

Comments

[vyus.livejournal.com]

after umpteen years of dating and fucking up at it, i've come to the conclusion that there should never be an assumption. it should always be explicit.

even the gf/bf used freely doesn't count, because some gals will start using it after the 1st date. that's a high road to disappointment.

i picked "engagement" cos hopefully two people have had the balls to talk explicitly by then.

but really, we're all adults (mostly). even after engagement, nothing's wrong with a threesome.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

I'm one of those crazy people who's totally wired for monogamy, because i think relationships are hard work and trying to have more than one at the same time is Bad. This needs to be negotiated, always, always, always, and the first "real" kiss is the deadline for the discussion.

[kerri9494.livejournal.com]

I never assume that I'm not 'allowed' to see other people. After turning 18, no one could tell me what I was 'allowed' to do. I'd stop seeing other people when I felt ready...when I wanted to stop seeing other people. If I still wanted to see someone else, then I guess I wasn't ready to stop seeing other people. Right? If, after the first date, I had no desire to see anyone else, then I wouldn't bother.

Without discussing with my partner what the consequenses of my actions would be, there's no way to know how the other person would react. But no one is going to allow me to do or prohibit me from doing anything. Everyone just has to be willing to deal with the consequences.

[davetheinverted]

Where I went to high school, you dated one person at a time. If you were dating someone, you dated them exclusively until such time as you broke up. Dating someone else was occasionally used as a rather gauche announcement that you were, in fact, broken up. This was, as far as I could tell (and while I was in one of the "odd" subgroups, I was sufficiently plugged into the popular groups to know what the norms were), universal. I have found this to be more-or-less the case everywhere else I've gone since then.

Dav2.718

[pentomino.livejournal.com]

That makes a little sense in high school, where gossip is everything. And certainly one wouldn't date two women who knew each other concurrently. But suppose I were seeing someone from Glendale and someone else from Mesa, on alternating weekends, for about a month before I settled on one.

[mmcirvin.livejournal.com]

I have no idea how to answer this question, since the answer is so culturally specific. It didn't really come up with Sam and I started dating because, frankly, neither of us had anything else serious going on at the time. We seemed to consider ourselves An Item pretty early on.

I think the short-term-serial-monogamy situation davetheinverted mentioned has been the norm for high-school and college students since at least the 1980s. It was confusing when I was a kid, because layered over that many people still had this ghostly vision of 1940s-1960s dating norms, in which you were supposed to date lots of people nonexclusively and "going steady" was a big serious step, that didn't really apply any more--and when you get a date for an event, like a dance or a wedding, that older idea of nonexclusive dating might still apply to some extent.

I think something like it also applies to older, adult singles actively looking for long-term partners, especially if they use dating services; they may go on lots of dates that are treated almost like a job interview process. I never really did this and it sounds profoundly dreary to me, but it seems to be common among post-30 unhitched professionals in large cities. As for when you're exclusively hitched, I think that is probably going to depend enormously on the local culture; there are people for whom sexual skill/compatibility is extremely important who may well treat sexual intercourse as just another part of the trial process, and there are other people who won't.

[stacebass.livejournal.com]

How about when you decide you love each other? I've had boyfriends who I didn't love, and didn't feel too bad about seeing others on the side.