unbibium: (animated pacman)
not sure if sick or just severely depressed or just groggy from a nap that I took because I got up too early
unbibium: (animated pacman)
health update:

i'm on SSRIs but they aren't doing much, the part of my brain that tells me to give up still wins a lot. consequently I don't do many CBT exercises and still haven't hung all my pictures.

but I restarted couch-to-5k and if I manage to not give up again, then i can do the color run in january maybe.

therapy resumed last month and the thing I have to remember is to keep going to it even after I start feeling better.
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isn't it great how SSRIs take a month to actually improve your mood, but they cause sexual dysfunction immediately?
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I eventually fell asleep. But it was a lot of work.

My mind was not my own. I tried counting backwards in my head, but found that I was imagining the numbers in a skinny chalkboard scrawl, and I couldn't imagine them in a font of my choosing.

And I got into one of those brain feedback loops, where I knew I was in bed trying to sleep, but somehow all my attention was focused on some fictional unreal problem, like a video game or a TV show or even some half-formed puzzle. It was like I was failing to dream.

I'd better not take another one of these until I consult the doctor.
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I think this stuff is affecting my ability to sleep, even though I'm taking another thing after supper that's supposed to make sleep possible...

i don't think I can keep trying it. I also don't think I can just cut them in half, because they're in time-release capsules.
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I went back on medication.

I should probably be on a lower dose. A little methylphenidate makes me more effective. Too much makes me shaky. I think my left and right hands type at different speeds now. It's a time-release so I can't split it myself.

it's just my first day, maybe I just need to adjust a little.
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so, I did a little laundry and went to bed, thinking I was sobering up a little and was ready to go to bed.

then at 2:00am I woke up and my stomach was clearly having some trouble. yadda yadda yadda, I think I'll live now, but I apparently have a lot to learn.
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So the bruise on the inner side of my foot looks like it's shrunk a little bit...

...but actually it seems the bruise has migrated to my middle toes.

This seems familiar and therefore I probably shouldn't worry, but I might get it looked at ajain.
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I''m a bit more mobile now. Thanks again to [livejournal.com profile] tamtrible for being around to help out.

I've got a cane so I can hobble around the house a little faster, but I might not need it to walk to work tomorrow.

I feel like my momentum has been interrupted.
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I'm starting to feel a little less brain-zappy and a little more alive.

I'm definitely more prone to anger than I used to be, as I am once again getting angry at my work computer for having so shitty.

But I'm also angry at the shoddy work I've done over the last month or two while I've been tapering off. what's been wrong with me?

anyway, the improvement I've been seeing isn't worth the money I've been spending and I need a more permanent cure anyway.

I've started training with a personal trainer. did I mention? I'm sore all the time now. But at least I'm doing something for myself.
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frying chicken is paradoxically cleansing for both the soul and the kitchen. I have to clear so much space to do it that when I'm done all my counters have empty space on them.

I think though my problem may be beyond depression. I must have some sort of fungus in my brain.

Now to work up the courage to make a doctor's appointment and take time off work.

well it'll only be an hour off but will my insurance go crazy?

meh, well, need to make sure if there is a physical cause, I fix that instead.

once the hardware is good, it'll be easier to fix the software.
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ok let's see if i can stay up until midnight.
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also I just threw up.
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Went out for groceries, came back with two scraped elbows and a bent frame.

My first thought as I lay bleeding underneath my twisted bike frame is that perhaps I should have worn a helmet, even though my arms did a perfectly good job of protecting my head.

I was travelling down a largely unlit side street, or rather, it was only lit from in front of me. And there was a giant, two-foot-high pile of gravel that apparently my own front light wasn't strong enough to reveal to me from beneath the glare of the oncoming street lights.

My office was actually closer than my home, so I went into the break room and put some random cleansing pads on the affected areas to keep them clean. There wasn't enough gauze or bandages around to dress the wounds, so that had to wait six minutes until I could get home.

I took a multivitamin and lots of ibuprofen.
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OK, so my medication was increased, and I think it's affecting me weirdly.

I'm treating two things: depression and ADHD.

For the ADHD I take two Ritalin-based things: Metadate in the morning, and Methylphenidate in the evening. The evening dose is to prevent me from crashing when the morning stuff wears off.

For the depression I take Luvox. I used to take 150mg a night. Now I'm adding to that 100mg in the morning.

Now I'm tired all the time.

Except I wonder if it's even the drugs, maybe I'm sick in some other way.

So I'm printing out some nearby doctors' addresses. It occurs to me that my printer is unplugged, and I need to find paper, and there's no guarantee there's ink in there...
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So I got a massage on Saturday, and today I seem to be feeling the effects. I find myself constantly wanting to stretch.
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had a tooth out yesterday. the last of my three wisdom teeth.

my mom stopped by to help me get to the pharmacy and also get me some soft food. except 90% of it was pudding and gelatin snacks.

[livejournal.com profile] tamtrible stopped by and talked me into doing more shopping, and also taught me that if you slice up apples, cover them in brown sugar and microwave them, it's delicious. It was a good visit. I may have gotten her hooked on Demetri Martin's show.

I've spent most of the day today drifting in and out of consciousness. I'm not really in any pain, though. My teeth ache a little when I bite down, but that's about it. But I'm just tired and unmotivated, and a little worried that if I exert myself, I'll aggravate something and cause some post-operative complication. But I think that, just to combat cabin fever, I may go to the bike shop and pick my bike up from its tune-up.
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know what really helps when you're losing a battle with depression?

getting sick.

Yes, when you can't muster the strength to clean your apartment, certainly the solution is to add lots and lots of wadded-up kleenex to it.
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The diagnosis: muscle spasms. I didn't know I had muscles there.

I'm walking to the CVS. I'll take the bus back.

I suppose that now that I'm in my 30s, I should start getting used to random bodily failures.

I think for a while I'll put a hiatus on whining about anything that isn't causing me to literally double over in pain.
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So I've had at least a dozen attacks today, the most recent one on a bus.

This is the worst time to have an ailment where, without provocation, one doubles over, and either screams or starts breathing heavily, Lamaze-style. The reason for that aired during the last half hour of the most recent Saturday Night LiVe.

At least I'm not shouting anymore. But it's getting a lot worse.


unbibium: (Default)

April 2017



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