unbibium: (animated pacman)
I was watching @midnight from Monday and they showed bits of that Red Cup Guy video I was already sick of and HOLY SHIT he brought a GUN as part of his little performance art piece?

I suppose I should be desensitized, with those open-carry people showing up after shootings, Oath Keepers showing up after riots, and way back in 2009 when the President of the United States couldn't hold a simple town hall meeting about health care, without people showing up with AR-15s. I shouldn't even know what an AR-15 is, dammit.

It seems like they want to remind us non-conservatives that we're a hair's breadth away from Kristallnacht, and they're only waiting on Ted Nugent to give the word.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
So, there are a scant few events that get people to watch broadcast TV in the numbers they used to. The last one I remember tuning into myself was the Peanuts Halloween Special, which was followed up by another Peanuts special to fill up the hour. And after events like that, and the Super Bowl, naturally they're going to showcase some original programming. Except..... all original programming is heavy post-9/11 bleak cynicism. The show that followed Peanuts was a carefully broadcast-edited scene that cold-opened a show called "Scandal," naturally about corruption in the federal government. The show that followed the Super Bowl is about secret prisons and torture and supervillains and spies and also torture.

It made me think about how that sex scene that played over the squashed credits of the Peanuts special, was explicit enough to probably raise uncomfortable questions from children, but zoomed-in and implicit enough that teenagers wouldn't be sexually aroused by it. And how post-9/11 spy stuff always, always, always feeds the "Torture Totally Works, Guys" assumption that Jack Bauer popularized so that we could get all that non-information out of those Gitmo detainees.

It's giving me serious don't-want-to-live-on-this-planet feelings.

my reaction to this stuff... is that one of the things that's been wrong with me? Am I supposed to be feeling some sense of satisfaction? I sat through the whole episode. There was more torture, a bunch of different spy agencies betraying each other, a code-named chunk of information that's worth more than human lives, and a cliffhanger that took the form of an explosion. Is this what normal entertainment is? If I made myself learn to like it, would people relate to me better?

after that is news coverage of all the crowds of people just milling around on the OUTSIDE of sports bars at Westgate. These are the people who clogged up traffic on the 101. And of course they're talking about post-9/11 security too. Naturally the Seahawks fans who missed the first quarter because of a small bag attributed it to security, and not the stadium's unassailable right to make money on food. again, is this what normal people do? Go into traffic and stand outside a bar 50 feet away from a flat-screen TV for six hours? Is this the society I'm trying to integrate myself into?

NBC thursday is the next episode of that spy thing, followed by the premiere episode of another spy thing, this one with Russians. because everything is betrayal. No wonder it's impossible to keep friends, this is what people are being trained to be like.
unbibium: (Default)
i interviewed at the 3300 tower today. It was like a proper grown-up office-type place.

My confidence is kind of eroding here... I have an interview on Wednesday for a position at ASU, but judging from all the preparation they want from me, I think I might be underqualified.

maybe i should find some more junior positions...
unbibium: (animated pacman)
Coming to the arts district in central Phoenix is like a miniature vacation to Seattle. There's a little coffee place I always go to, and they're in the middle of widening the sidewalks, and I run into old friends sometimes. I feel human again when I'm down here.

That doesn't mean I'm completely immune to cognitive black holes when I'm down here. Normally I use the change of setting to get bits of actual work done. Today I have an internal distraction that I need to clear up first...
unbibium: (animated pacman)
i haven't photographed my cats because my house looks terrible.

i don't love my cats. but people on facebook know I have them. so if I send them to the pound, they'll all think I'm a monster.

i also broke my mac's keyboard with an attempt to clean water-flavoring syrup off of it.

also i have doubts about everything i've ever done.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
This morning I went to Songbird in downtown Phoenix again. I filled out my unemployment form for the week and went through a few chapters of a node.js book.

I was expecting to see Elizabeth there and have I've her homemade waffles but neither were there, so I just had tea.

There was a young woman there at my table who I didn't talk to, and that was kind of the right call because she was waiting for her family. I overheard she was 20 and studying in Seattle abd talked about Battlestar Galactica but got character names wrong.

Another woman came by and ordered the same kind if tea I did and sat at my table. I remarked that she got the same tea as I did, abd was using the same laptop. We made a little small talk. It was refreshing.

then I went to Short Leash having chicken and waffles. I made some more small talk with an elderly couple. I wrote most of this down after my food arrived, so I wouldn't forget I had a good morning.

unfortunately this all cost money. Not a lot of money, but more than I'd have spent if I'd just stayed home. But the isolation was getting to be too much, especially with all the noise in the neighborhood last night.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
I think I mismanaged yesterday. If I had checked FB and Twitter at the appropriate time, I could have met up with people I knew nearby. I also could have made my way to my family's house to bake cookies, or maybe gotten a ride to a friend's family's cookie day...

People at my old workplace are now going on winter break. I caught word on Facebook that two of them are working on a game together. Because that's what you do when you're not depressed: you have ideas for things to do and then you do them. There's no looming sense of inadequacy or unwelcomeness.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
did a lot of dreaming. Did a lot of thinking while dreaming.

In fact, I pondered the nature of consciousness while I was unconscious.

I grieved for lost friends. So many lost friends.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
this morning I spent a lot of time going through paperwork and making sure my COBRA premiums are paid, trying to squeeze the last drop out of my FSA, and filing an unclaimed property form with the AZ Department of Revenue.

COBRA premiums are brutal and make me want to cockpunch every pundit who went on TV who called Obamacare "socialism". I might get on AHCCCS instead for January but maybe I'll get hired by then?
unbibium: (Default)
The job interview went well. Just my luck I'll get the job with the 71-minute commute.

ASU called me back for another one but I don't think it's much of a fit...

should call Larry and ask what the deal is with Limelight...
unbibium: (animated pacman)
well, my next interview is at a place that will take me 71 minutes to get to by bus, including a half-mile walk from the bus stop. And the amount of bravery it would take for me to hold out for a Tempe job has increased, because if I get an offer and turn it down I have to tell the unemployment people I turned down work. what have I done?
unbibium: (animated pacman)
IRL I haven't visited the old office at all, but I keep having dreams where I've been sneaking into work and doing things for free there. I had a really vivid one tonight, vivid enough that I realized what was happening and waited outside my old boss's office to beg for mercy or maybe an extra day's paycheck.

anyway the job hunt is going slowly. Unemployment payments are disqualified until December 20. Not sure whether that means I get my first $240-minus-taxes on that day, or on the 27th. but it will pretty much cover only my mortgage. If I do my taxes right away then I might not run out of cash until March. In theory I could plunder my 401(k) at that point.

I failed to cancel my cable TV but I got $20 knocked off it. maybe I should try again. Also maybe I could put my home warranty on pause or something. I'd switch to a high-deductible medical plan to save money, except that would only work if I didn't have to go to therapy.

I have an interview Monday so this all might be a moot point. I could get hired next week or in January or in February or never.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
I spent money last weekend. Not a lot of money, but more than I should have spent. Because I figured I'd be employed by now. Indeed, all that panic I was doing before the interview was because I was afraid I'd have to choose between two offers, and pick the wrong one. I really herped the derp there. Now I'm actually afraid of being underqualified or unemployable.

Last weekend I did two interviews on Friday and one on Monday. All three said no thanks.

At least I have one on Monday.
unbibium: (bread)
I have two job interviews on Friday, and one on Monday, and a fourth company that wants to schedule one soon. My brain is full of literally can't even.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
saw interstellar and felt great.

went to team trivia and felt pretty good even though only one person showed up

that one person ditched me at halftime

now i feel terrible

my fault for being so disposable

why do i even try
unbibium: (animated pacman)
Thursday I felt great after a brunch with some fellow hackers at a company that might just have room for a guy like me.

Thursday evening I called two women I knew, and asked if they wanted to see Rocky Horror Picture Show tomorrow. Both declined.

Friday morning I went out and bought two suits.

Friday evening the mean reds fell upon me. Trible and John had some events they asked me to tag along on, they sounded tedious. So did the long lonesome bus ride into Scottsdale to the theater I'd never been to. I got on the bus at the last possible minute. I got off the bus at the last possible minute too, getting off at Tempe Marketplace and walking home.

I spent some time with family again today. I ate, then. I tried to give a coloring book to my niece but she doesn't give a shit about gifts. She snatched a puzzle cube out of my hands and, when asked to give it back, threw it on the floor.

I got out and took a walk to try and get my endorphines up, stopped into Sleepy Dog for a light beer, and then into the Circle K to see if there was anything there I could put in my mouth without having to feel anything... I still haven't had dinner. maybe I'll skip it. I did buy a twelve pack of Coke Zero though.

Cats are trying to cheer me up, or something. I don't know why.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
in hermit mode now.. maybe some goals would be nice

1. get that damn resume formatted properly
2. finish that angular.js tutorial
3. if i'm going to waste any time it should at least be trying out those steam games I got on sale and never played.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
ok, this is weird.... I need to rebuild my resume from scratch, and all I have to do is copy and paste bits of it from my LinkedIn profile, I suppose.... but copy and paste it into what?  I don't own a copy of MS Word anymore... so I have to go download OpenOffice I suppose...
unbibium: (animated pacman)
I'm on my way into the office to see what kind of separation package I got by throwing myself at the mercy of the corporate overlords.

if I make it back home with any energy, I'm going to call that lady from SMCI back, and try to get a good PDF version of my résumé.
unbibium: (animated pacman)
I'm home safe but didn't get any sleep last night and my attempts to sleep this afternoon aren't doing so well either.

i am losing time probably should be starting search immediately

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